Exclusive Vs. Non-Exclusive: The Open Side

I have been in an all manner of different types of relationships - I was married, separated, divorced, and single. I've been dating someone exclusively and been in a casual "friends with benefits" arrangements. I was dating and seeing people non-exclusively, having hook up's and one night stands, and stuck in a polyamorous series of triangles.

I was single and exploring my options, excited at new possibilities and new men to meet, and then I was tired of not being respected or taken on dates, or tired of the dating scene altogether until I could get another wind.

So it's safe to say I have been through a lot of different stages of a relationship, and while I contemplate my own future in settling down I thought I would do a pro's and con's list of being exclusive vs. being non-exclusive in a relationship.

Maybe it can help me figure out what I want.

Non-Exclusive

Most people I have dated and formed some sort of relationship with in recent years have taken on the non-exclusive form. This was good and bad on a lot of levels.

In good news to being non-exclusive I could still see, date, and sleep with anyone that I wanted to without remorse or even having to tell the other person. I was dating a guy who lived two hours away and I saw him once a month for four months and talked to him on the phone (exhaustively) pretty much every day. His best friend recently revealed his surprised when I told him that I had been actively dating during this entire four month period - and yes, I had slept with other people, just not as regularly as I would have if I had been completely single. He thought I hadn't been dating - I just chose not to tell him, and that was completely alright.

This was also good because I was at a time in my life where the idea of being stuck in another relationship - especially a long distance one - was not a place I wanted to be in. I was still trying to discover who I was as an individual, so being free to discover that was a crucial time of growth in my life. This wouldn't have happened if we had been exclusive.

The bad news to a non-exclusive relationships is that while you have the freedom to do and see whoever you want, it also means that they do too. This can be hard, especially when you are jealous, suspicious and just want to give your love to one person. If the scales aren't balanced either and they have more people on regular rotation than you do that can suck.

My two hour drive away guy was polyamorous and he was dating three people (including myself) and actively trying to seek out others. I thought I could handle this, as he seemed to favour me, but as time went on the other girls began encroaching onto our dates and our time together. One of his other girls he was dating sent him 50 Snapchats in a row of her and her roommate partying and showing off their boobs. He watched all 50 of them. But when I texted him or Snapchatted him he never watched or replied.

It became clear that the scales were tipping away from my direction.

I then also found out that he was still sleeping with his ex - a girl he broke up with after four years because he didn't love her or the person he was when he was with her. She still loved him, and clung on to him, constantly fighting with him and trying to win his love back. He told me regularly he didn't care about her, but still slept with her and caused her obvious pain because she was still in love with him and would constantly try to disrupt us when we were together. I didn't like the way he treated her, and it was the beginning of the end.

My last relationship lasted six months and I asked the guy to be exclusive with me after a particularly painful anniversary in which he had ditched me to go on a date with another girl. He didn't even consider being exclusive with me. At the time I needed him in my life and agreed to keep the relationship open. But it wasn't a fair advantage.

I am a person who wants to give her love and care to one person - it's exhausting having multiple people to juggle, which this guy soon found out. He was such a nice guy, and he saw me the most, but I constantly searched his Facebook wall trying to figure out who his other girls were - jealous of any time when he disappeared off Facebook for hours and being suspicious he was with them. It made me a stalker and I didn't like it.

Eventually I discovered the identity of one of the girls, and was taken aback by how nice she was. She was one of three (including myself) that absolutely adored him, once texting him "I miss you so much it hurts." It pained me to read that. This girl was just in the same place as me, and he rotated us around like it didn't matter.

What stung though was eventually he called me up one morning while I was at work and told me he had met someone new and that she wasn't into the non-exclusive thing. She gave him the ultimatum I gave him earlier in the year that he refused to consider and he decided to take her up on it. It was the worst way he could have left me. So I wasn't good enough to be non-exclusive with - but this girl was?

It was a fucking slap to the face. While I was never really honest and walked on eggshells, scared of this exact thing happening, I really grew to love this guy. It was hard to hear that I wasn't "chosen" and my battered ego and I cried for days.

So personally, while there are good things about being in an open or non-exclusive relationship - such as being able to explore new options, find yourself and focus on your own goals, and meet new people - I found that it just made me jealous, suspicious, self-conscious, and scared of being my true self in case the glass house came crashing down.

These two men who had these open relationships were some of the nicest, hard-working, and sweetest guys I had ever met. But they broke my heart worse than the jerks that ghosted me did. It's a hard thing to weigh up to, so tune in for the next chapter if Exclusive Vs. Non-Exclusive for the pro's and con's of being monogamous.

Photo by fnogues